A Little Unsteady

You know the expression, Everything comes around again?” Well, in case you were wondering, I’m here to tell you that it’s true. Everything does. Everything.

For example:
Those super high-waisted jeans that I wore in the first few years of college? Back.
Body suits that snap at the bottom like an infant onsie? Totally scarily back.
Woven leather belts worn by both boys and girls? Oh…I’ve seen ’em.
Parachute pants with a million zippers and one matching sparkly glove? Not so much. But maybe it should be.

The other thing that I’ve learned comes around again and again are the stages that kids seem to go through…and hence the stages that they put us parents through as well.

Remember those sleepless nights with your newborn? When you heard every noise, and hpw even when they were actually sleeping and you were in your cozy bed you stayed tensed up just anticipating the next noise or time they needed you? How when they rolled over you sat bolt upright ready to run in and grab them but they’re still sound asleep even though now you’re totally. Wide. Awake.

Well…those come back when you have a driving teenager. You lay in your cozy bed, trying to convince yourself that you CAN go to sleep before they get home but you’re carefully listening to every noise wondering if it’s them coming in the front door or running their car into a mailbox ….and if you hear sirens a million miles away you just KNOW they’re coming for your kid and no matter how hard you screw your eyelids shut sleep. Just. Won’t. Come.

Your sweet son who loves feeding himself and leaves more food all over his high chair, the floor, his hair, his clothes and his face than he gets in his mouth will once again learn to scatter food in that precise manner when he is in middle school and eats a snack in your car.

Your little girl who loves a certain animal and will ONLY sleep if that one particular precious ratty thing is in bed with her will re-exhibit this behavior as a tween when she will ONLY wear one outfit to school over and over and over again (even when it has to be picked out of the bottom of the dirty clothes basket).

The specific behavior I’ve been thinking about lately is the “Help me–NO I do it!” phase. When you have toddlers, there comes a time when they learn they’re separate little creatures from you. They realize they can do things on their own, and as they learn new skills they want to start trying them without any help from you. They will start to stack the blocks (or whatever), and if one falls off they ask you to help them. You pick up a block and begin to place it on their tower–per their request–and suddenly the gates of hell open and all manner of ghoulish shrieking begins. “NOOOOO!  I DOOOO IT!!!” And so they do. Or they try, until a block falls and they ask for help. Then rebuff you. Then ask for help. Then shriek again. And so on.

It’s a delicate tension between independence and dependence. Kids need to learn to do things on their own (including the important art of block stacking!). They have an innate desire to learn how to do things on their own. But…sometimes the learning part is hard. Scary. Frustrating. So in those moments, they turn back to the ones who have always been there for them; the ones who have the knowledge and the proven skill to carefully stack each individual block until a beautiful sturdy tower is standing there in front of them.

I remember when my kiddo decided he wanted to go up the ladder on the park playground. At first he’d simply point up to the platform at the top and say, “Up!” He wanted me to lift him to his desired location. Then he wanted to try climbing, and I’d hold all of his body weight while he would move his little legs and arms from rung to rung. Soon he needed less support, but I still kept my hands on him for those inevitable slips. Then, he’d demand that I NOT touch him so he could try balancing on his own, but the minute I let go he’d say “Hold me!“. I promise their were times when I would hear the different cries of, “Hold me!” “Let go!” “Hold me!” “Let go!” as he moved slowly from rung to rung aaallllllll the way up the ladder until he stood triumphantly up at the top, thrilled he’d done it on his own.

This phase where independence wars with dependence does come back around again, it just looks and sounds a little different.

When a child first enters their teenage years an amazing thing happens. Suddenly, without warning, they become bona fide experts at absolutely everything. Parents spend a lot of time learning that they no longer know ANYTHING of any importance, are of little use (except in the areas of food and money provision) and simply exist to be a source of embarrassment and exasperation. Teenagers may spend the better part of the day in a “Let go!” phase as they push back against anything that seems to limit their independence as they learn to live life on their own terms. However, there are the moments. The precious and often surprising moments when your 13-year-old forgets to be annoyed by you and lets you sit with them on their bed and stroke their hair while they pour their heart into your hands and ask you to fix it. “Hold me.”

Then the later teenage and young adult years come, and the kids aren’t so busy being actively disgusted by you because they are more focused on all the things happening to them and around them They may tolerate your presence, even let you take an occasional selfie with them, but then they’re off and running. These are the time when a parent’s curiosity and concern are strongly rebuffed and may be seen as attempts to control. The questions and boundaries are often seen as evidence that the parents don’t find the kids trustworthy or able, and the “Let go!” sentiment can be laced with anger as the child pushes so forecfully hard against and away from anything that doesn’t let them live as they want to live.

However, there are still the moments.
Those times when you hear your words of reason come out of your child’s mouth, even though you could have bet your soul they weren’t listening when you were saying it to them. Those times when your giant baby plops gruffly onto the couch next to you…close enough for you to rub their neck and tousle their hair. Those times when they come in and you know they’re bristling for an argument but you realize it’s the only way they know (right now) how to find out what you think of their situation. “Hold me.”

It’s a tough one, this balance between growing up and holding on. Tough for the parent and the kid. There’s a song I’ve heard that, to me, says it very perfectly. It’s by X-Ambassadors, and while it honestly might not have anything to do with what I’ve been writing about, it has brought me tears time and time again. I’ve included the lyrics below. When your kids are little, they will ask you to “Hold onto me!” aloud. You know you’re wanted and needed. As your kids get older, those words don’t come out so easily. They still want it though. They still need it. Even when they are at their most frustrating and difficult worsts…they don’t want us to let go. Not all the way. They can’t always verbalize it…but we are still needed. To help them get to the very top of that ladder, where they can turn around and look triumphantly around and know they’ve made it, and that they’re ok.

Unsteady