This holiday season I’m finding myself bouncing wildly between two states of mind:
1. We are going to have a flipping AMAZING traditional Christmas if it flipping kills us!
AND
2. Nothing is going to be the same as it’s always been, so why bother trying?
One day I’m putting all my decorations in the same places they’ve always gone and baking my great-aunt’s fudge, and the next I’m throwing out the old garland because I can’t stand lookig at it and leaving 2/3 of my outside lights in boxes because I just cannot even handle putting them up.
Thanksgiving was….different. Wasn’t it? My brother and his family came in, but my other siblings, nieces, nephews and my parents did not come. My Dallas family came briefly but had to leave due to an exposure scare….and the other “family-not-family” couldn’t make it due to travel restrictions. I made a turkey and the fixings, but I gotta tell you, it was weird. We had a lot of fun with the few that came, but there was so much missing that the things that should have been normal were completely off-balance. Does that make sense? With our smaller group my sister-in-law and I were able to go shopping in some fun local boutiques that we couldn’t have visited with a big gaggle of kids…and it was so fun! But, when we started stuffing the turkey without my stepmom I got teary eyed. Not fun. I almost wished we had just scrapped anything that we normally did, and instead, done all different kinds of things. In we had done that, then maybe we wouldn’t have missed “what should have been” because we were enjoying something different.
But on the other hand, the idea of not doing some of our traditional things made me sad too. I considered not making several of the usual dishes…but when I make them I use the recipe cards that my aunt and grandmother and neighbor in Georgia hand-wrote for me YEARS ago and I love thinking about them and remembering them. I didn’t want to miss those moments of reminiscing. I also didn’t want to miss hearing the kids gripe about the crazy singing turkey toy I play over and over…and doing the turkey trot, and a big chili dinner the night before…so we did them. We did our best, that is. I broke out the singing turkey and we made our own Turkey Trot and the chili simmered on the stove…but the people who should have been there still weren’t there. It wasn’t empty….it was just not full.
Now we are rapidly approaching Christmas. People who “should” be here aren’t going to be. Things that we “always do” are simply not going to happen. Gatherings that we look forward to all year are cancelled, plans are constantly changing due to last-minute quarantines, packages are late because mail is delayed and it’s really hard to smell apple cider with a mask on.
I know things are going to be different this year. I still want my traditions to stay traditions. I realize things aren’t normal. I need the magic and joy that the season has always brought. Back and forth, back and forth I go.
The other day I was listening to Christmas music as I drove around town. Let me preface this by saying I know I’m sort of a sap. That song “The Christmas Shoes” makes me pull over because I can’t see through my tears, and “Oh Holy Night” gives me goosebumps everytime. This being said….I have NEVER cried over “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” But….
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
(Please, Lord….let that be true!)
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay;
Next year all our troubles will be miles away.
(Oh again, God…let this new year be trouble free!)
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
(Apparently “days of yore” means pre-March of 2020!)
Faithful friends who are dear to us, will be near to us
Once more...
(I really want to see my parents. And hug my family.)
Someday soon we all will be together
(Oh do I ever hope and pray that is true!)
If the fates allow
Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow
(I’m trying so very hard to figure out how to muddle…)
So have yourself a merry little Christmas, now
Apparently this song is going to be my new “Christmas Shoes” song and it will be forever–in my mind—the offical holiday song of 2020. This is what I want for Christmas. This is my wish. For life as we knew it to come back. For traditions to continue like they should. For family to be able to be together and celebrate and laugh and love.
My prayer is that. Just all of that.
I know that Christmas is a celebration of Christ’s birth.
I know that Christmas commemorates love coming to earth wrapped in human skin.
I know that the advent season reminds us that Jesus is coming again.
I also know that the rituals and traditions that we use to remember and reconnect with our family and friends helps cement those ties and rekindle those relationships.
This year things will not be the same. I won’t be able to make the connections I usually get to make. I won’t be able to hug people I love. I won’t be able to spend time with the people I want to spend time with. This year is going to be forcibly, obviously, frustratingly and sadly different.
So: do I force the “We’re going to have an ‘ol fashioned Griswold Family Christmas and dang it….we’re going to love it!” mentality? Or do I just let the holiday river sweep us along and find purpose and joy along the way?
I think I’ll do a little bit of both.
I’ll make my grandmother’s ginger cookies and my aunt’s fudge…
But I’ll realize that maybe people won’t appreciate “homemade food gifts” this year (and sacrificially eat it all myself).
I’ll put up a few lights outside but not all of them….and be really happy when there are less to take down.
I’ll acknowledge the fact that I’m sad I don’t have any Chrismas parties to attend in person…and be happy that I can have a Zoom eggnog meeting with my high school girlfriends.
I guess we’ll all just muddle through somehow, huh?
But in the meantime….have yourself a (very) merry little Christmas, now. Ok?
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