Unexpected

I recently heard someone say that totally unexpected news brings out dumb statements.

Think about it. You receive some information you were completely not expecting and it takes your brain some extra time to process it.

If your kid studied hours for a test and knew the study guide backwards and forwards and you ask them how they did, you’re expecting a positive answer. When they say, “I failed,” it takes a moment to assimilate. You might even have the phrase, “Great job!” halfway out of your mouth before you comprehend that the words you heard were not what you imagined hearing.

When we hear something that is totally out of our realm of reality it doesn’t always compute very quickly. Our brains struggle to process facts that we never considered possible…or never possibly considered…and fight to make sense of them. That struggle for comprehension can include asking questions. Questions that in our befuddled minds might straighten things out, but in fact often make absolutely no sense or difference.

(Disclaimer…skip this paragraph if the birthing experience is too much for you!) When I was giving birth to my first I wasn’t prepared to be a mom. I had been in a bit of shock the whole pregnancy, and then went into labor (at work!) unexpectedly 2 months early. I was working as an RN at the birthing center where I had him, and it was hard for me to separate MY having a baby from the women I’d helped during my shift! There were lots of crazy things happening and I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I was in a birthing bed, instead of standing at the side of it being a coach. When my RN friend said, “The head’s out!” I distinctly remember looking at her and saying increduously, “Of me???”

We hear something that is too big for us to comprehend and we combat it with questions:–Someone gets diagnosed with something awful: “Are you sure? How do you know?”
–You learn of an awful car wreck: “Why were they driving there?”
–Someone asks for a divorce: “Where will you live?”
–A parent learns a child is experimenting with something bad: “Where did they get it?”
–You discover an infidelity: “Where are they from? How did they meet?”

None of the answers to these kinds of questions make any difference in the situations, but we ask them anyway. We might even ask more meaningless and inane questions as we try to assimilate. It’s almost as if the truths are SO BIG that our surprised brains can’t swallow them whole, and instead try to pick out small random parts that might be digestible. Maybe it’s a type of unconscious coping mechanisim. The facts we are being presented with are so awful and big that we choose to NOT acknowledge them. Instead we immediately turn our focus toward details that have very little importance.

Remember the part of Lord’s Prayer that tells us to ask, “Give us this day our daily bread”? Notice we aren’t supposed to ask Him for, “Enough for the week so I don’t have to worry about it.” We’re supposed to request just enough to get through the day, Any more than that is too much: it would mean that we wouldn’t have to rely on Him daily for sustenance. Any less than that is too little: it would mean that we were too empty to live that day the way He wanted us to. “Bite-sized pieces” are the way we are supposed to request and accept our strength. Perhaps “bite-sized pieces” are the way we are able to process and handle huge life-changing moments too.

Bad news is never…well…good. It’s just never good. But huge bad news that comes completely out of nowhere is another kind of “not good.” If I haven’t been feeling well for a while and go to the doctor for a whole bunch of tests, then I may hope for the best but not be surprised by a bad discovery. If you didn’t know that I hadn’t been feeling well and had been having all kinds of testing done and I simply blind-sided you with the fact that I have an awful diagnosis….well, that’s a big unexpected hard truth. Much harder to grasp in one sitting. You might ask me how long have you known? What are the symptoms? What doctor did you go to? Does your step-mom know? All kinds of questions to let your mind bide its’ time as it slowly has to wrap itself around a new reality that you never ever prepared it for.

All this to say….when someone asks questions that seem crazy or stupid or even offensive after they’ve heard something shocking…I get it. I’ve got to give grace. The truth is sometimes awful and hard and we DON’T want to know it or accept it. Sure, it’ll eventually morph into the reality it has to be….but there’s really no reason to hurry it. Reality is forever, and we can take our time getting there.

The awful news we learned yesterday about one of our American sports hero, his precious daughter and their beautiful friends has many of us in a state of shock. We have question after question, comment after comment, coping mechanisim after coping mechanisim. In the end, the reality is simply heartbreaking. Babies have lost their parents. Parents have lost their babies. Familes, friends and communities now have a big hole right in the middle of them. It was something sooooooooo far from expected that it will take everyone a long long time to accept it as truth.

So we assimilate, bit by horrific bit, in bite-sized pieces so we don’t choke on the terrifying reality. We will remember that we aren’t guaranteed another day….or even another hour….and we’ll celebrate their legacy by loving people as hard as we can. We’ll muddle through together, and extend grace to those who are still struggling to accept. We’ll remind ourselves that every single day brings a new potential for a life-changing reality shift, and to have gratitude for everything we have.

Changes are hard. Big unexpected ones are worse.
Give us today our daily bread….
Give us right now what we need for this exact moment…
Help us with the foundational changes that life seems to throw in our faces…
and we will thank You and come back tomorrow to ask for your strength again.

Prayers for the families and friends of those lost in the crash,
Prayers for those who are trying to accept scary new realities,
Prayers for all of us.